what’s another shit day in my shit life eh? i should be getting used to this.
getting used to the lifeless-ness, the feeling of being constantly on the verge of a breakdown – really, i think i can almost burst into tears on command. hahaha it’s easy enough.
today i got given the ugliest, horriblest, most DISGUSTING piece of dirty peach/orange paper ever. took my all my efforts not to rip it to shreds in front of mr chong. yeah, don’t think he’d like that. then again, i don’t think it’s fit for anyone to see, i still have half a mind to go and incinerate it.
hi, i’m a pathetic loser who just epic-ly fails at life. nice to meet you.
i don’t get it. honestly, i would like to know what’s going on. is it me? i mean, should i just admit that i can’t cope? i mean, i have absolutely no reason whatsoever to declare that. other people have so many commitments, they go for camps, they’re involved in so many things, overseas trips, planning and it’s all on top of their CCA and work. AND they can still go for holiday this week end and see their friends and all that stuff. me on the other hand, i can’t say i’m involved in anything at all, much much less that i would like to be and a holiday right now would be the unthinkable. if i do go away, i can just kiss goodbye to my promos, to going to J2, or even college.
am i really that pathetic? i can’t understand why on freaking earth can’t i do anything right. how do people find time to go out to see friends or shop, how to people study into the night, how do people manage to do so many things and still find time to finish ALL their homework. i’ve grounded myself, locked myself in my room, study with every making hour that i have, i’ve forgotten the last time i’ve been out, let alone shopping, i work all my weekend long, i have no time to take naps, i have no time to anything at all but study my freaking books. AND STILL THERE IS NOTHING I CAN GET RIGHT. seriously, is there something wrong with me?
and it’s not that i can’t cope. i’d like to say that i understand every lesson perfectly, i know what i’m doing.it’s just that i basically blanked my exams. yeah i understand, i am able to carry out a decent discussion about any of my subjects, maybe more. but so what? society snaps back at you and goes “SO BLOODY WHAT?” so what if you understand, so what if you know and enjoy your subjects, because in this crazy world, as long as you can’t churn out a certain amount of correct answers in a hair-yanking, head-banging, most stressful limited period of time, you’re deemed a goner, a loser and stupid. because, so what if you’re smart? if you don’t get the grades, if you don’t get a degree to show off, you’ll never get a job. marks are all that matters isn’t it? so is that intelligence?
i don’t even see much of my friends anymore because i am constantly plagued by endless mountains of work. and because if i see them, it’ll make it so painful to go back to my lifeless, empty world.
teachers ask every morning as you enter the school “are you feeling okay?” sometimes i just really want to reply that i’m tired, i’m so stressed out, i’m lost and lonely, i’m utterly miserable and i don’t even know what i’m doing anymore and that i live a boring, empty life and i’m sick and tired of all this shit. but other than that, yeah i’m fine because i’m healthy and kicking. no worries.
i hate this competitive, money-grabbing greedy world and i hate myself.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
